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2018-06-18T17:15:58.147Z
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Fairies should not have average, dull names that you would hear in any school yard. They need something special, something magical. Here are some of the most fitting fairy names out there:

Aerwyna

Ailsa

Aine

Alfreda

Alvina

Ariel

Asherah

Asia

Asteria

Aubrey

Aurora

Avery

Aelfdene

Aladdin

Alfred

Alvaro

Alvin

Arion

Aslan

Alfreda

Alva

Basil

Blossom

Breena

Brucie

Bayard

Blade

Borak

Carling

Caspian

Cedric

Cleon

Cosmo

Cullen

Calypso

Celeste

Coralia

Cyrena

Diana

Donella

Dulcina

Daenerys

Dariyah

Deema

Draco

Dylan

Drake

Durin

Dain

Delphine

Doris

Elga

Ella

Ellette

Elva

Elvine

Erline

Elvina

Elvey

Easton

Eric

Edward

Finn

Foster

Flynn

Fairy

Fayette

Fay

Fiona

Giselle

Gelsey

Gullveig

Gandalf

Gary

Gil

Hansel

Harry

Hermione

Isla

Jack

Jareth

Jiminy

Kaia

Kellen

Kelpie

Lorelei

Lilli

Laila

Lorelle

Marigold

Maurelle

Maraja

Magus

Marceline

Marin

Maurelle

Melia

Melisande

Melody

Melusine

Meri

Miranda

Molly

Muirgen

Naida

Nerida

Nissa

Nyx

Navi

Nerissa

Nixie

Ondine

Oona

Oberon

Orla

Odiane

Peter

Phillip

Parisa

Pixie

Radella

Raisa

Rhiannon

Rhoswen

Rosalia

Rosina

Rossa

Roxanne

Rusalka

Regin

Sabrina

Sebille

Shaylee

Shea

Susanna

Suzette

Sindri

Suelita

Sereia

Siofra

Tabitha

Tanya

Tianna

Terence

Triton

Tyrion

Tiana

Titania

Xantho

Zanna

Zuzana

Zephyr 

Nobody ever listens to the safety demonstration. Have you noticed?

It’s a very strange thing to watch, if one is mindful enough. There you sit, in a packed airplane cabin with a hundred, two hundred other people. You’re all about to experience something that the human beings of centuries past couldn’t imagine in their most fantastic fantasies. This winged metal tube, in which you have a window seat, is about to take flight—at dizzying heights and dumbfounding speeds. Some of you aren’t scared. You’ve done this a thousand times before. Others of you are gripping your armrests with sweaty palms, over and over repeating in your mind the widely-spread platitude: you’re more likely to die in a car crash than a plane crash.

It’s true, of course, but not very helpful if your winged metal tube should malfunction.

And why shouldn’t it? The parts are made by humans, the safety checks are completed by humans, the plane is flown by a human, and we humans manage to fuck up a great many things. In fact, given the ineptitude of the average person, and the statistical likelihood that one of these average people is in some way responsible for the safety of your flight…well, it’s nothing short of a modern miracle that the planes don’t all go down.

And still we sit, muttering reassurances...

If you’re writing a fantasy story, you have to give your supernatural characters names that are as badass as they are. To make sure that happens, here are some of the coolest vampire names to sink your teeth into:

Ambrosia

Alvantin

Akeldama

Aamon

Ascelin

Arnoldo

Armastus

Alaric

Adam

Asmodeus

Anton

Abaddon

Ambroglio

Auberon

Alexander

Argent

Astaroth

Adrasteia

Adrienne

Antoinette

Asphodel

Akasha

Alvira

Azazel

Astrid

Abchanchu

Alessandro

Addane

Asmodeus

Ambrosia

Apep

Ahriman

Abigor

Bella

Bronwen

Batibat

Belladonna

Branwen

Blade

Brandyn

Baldassare

Barnabas

Byron

Bonifacio

Blayze

Bruja

Babylon

Bashema

Callidora

Chantrea

Chernobog

Corina

Cristina

Calantha

Clemente

Caleb

Constantine

Creighton

Cassius

Cloven

Calliope

Celeste

Drusilla

Diamanda

Desdemona

Dracula

Demogorgon

Daniela

Diabolos

Draven

Darian

Ebony

Eclipse

Eirlys

Elena

Estrella

Edana

Eleanore

Empusa

Fanchon

Genevieve

Gorgon

Hecate

Jilaiya

Jezebeth

Kasdeya

Lamia

Lilith

Layla

Lamashtu

Lilitu

Morfran

Malcolm

Mara

Nimue

Orusula

Orpheus

Pandora

Prosperine

Qarinah

Ravana

Succubus

Samael

Seth

Sekhmet

Sonja

Spike

Vlad

Zagan

Aerglo — A natural glow of the night sky

Alya — Theta Serpentis star system’s first name

Alula — The first twin stars discovered

Andromeda — Princess of Ethiopia

Antlia — Air pump

Apollo — Greek god of fun and light

Apus — Bird of paradise

Aquarius — Water bearer

Aquila — Eagle

Ara — Altar

Archer — Half man, half sagittarius

Ariel — The shiniest moon in Uranus

Aries — Ram

Astrid — Gorgeous Goddess

Atlas — Greek Titan of Astronomy

Auriga — Charioteer

Aurora — The natural phenomenon of red and green lights in teh sky

Bianca — A small moon in Uranus

Bootes — Herdsman

Caelum — Graving tool

Callisto — The third largest moon in the universe

Calypso — A moon personified as a Queen Nymph in Greek mythology

Camelopardus — Giraffe

Cancer — Crab

Canes Venatici — Hunting dogs

Canis Major — Big dog

Canis Minor — Little dog

Capricornus — Sea goat

Carina — Keel of Argonauts’ ship

Cassiopeia — Queen of Ethiopia

Castor — The brightest star in the Gemini constellation

Centaurus — Centaur

Cephus — King of Ethiopia

Cetus — Sea monster

Chamaeleon — Chameleon

Circinus — Compasses

Columba — Dove

Coma Berenices — Berenice’s hair

Cordelia — An inner moon of Uranus

Corona Australis — Southern crown

Corona Borealis — Northern crown

Corvus — Crow

Cosmo — Of or relating to the univers

Crater — Cup

Crux — Cross

Cygnus  —Swan

Delphinus — Porpoise

Dorado — Swordfish

Draco — Dragon

Elara — A moon of Jupiter

Equuleus — Little horse

Eridanus — River

Estella — Refers to the stars

Fornax — Furnace

Galexia — Galexy

Gemini — Twins

Grus — Crane

Halley — A comet visible from Earth with the naked eye

Hercules — Hercules, son of Zeus

Holmes — A comet, once thought to be the largest object in the solar system

Horologium — Clock

Hydra — Sea serpent

Hydrus — Water snake

Indus — Indian

Janus — A moon of Saturn

Jericho — City of the moon

Jupiter — A planet

Lacerta — Lizard

Leo — Lion

Leo Minor — Little lion

Lepus — Hare

Libra — Balance

Lupus — Wolf

Lynx — Lynx

Lyra — Lyre or harp

Mercury — A planet

Mars — A planet

Mensa — Table mountain

Miranda — One...

Your characters deserve names that make sense for them. Names that let your reader know exactly who they are before they even open their mouths to speak. In order to accomplish that, use these gnome names in your next story:

Adan

Adva

Aiko

Aithne

Amorette

Aripine

Armida

Belita

Bonita

Brenna

Brooke

Bingles

Banxi

Bink

Banli

Bitsy

Bitty

Bixi

Carlin

Charlene

Celqys

Carnoa

Darra

Demi

Dinky

Elfi

Flimp

Gigget

Gnorbitt

Half-pint

Herble

Helna

Hisxif

Jinky

Jinxie

Jubie

Jenna

Jelssa

Kiara

Kierna

Koemi

Knaz

Krankle

Lil

Lilliput

Maleah

Miette

Merry

Miki

Nina

Nirbert

Nipsy

Odafi

Orsys

Orla

Orgyra

Piera

Posy

Peanut

Penny

Pipi

Pippy

Poppy

Quillz

Runt

Rosine

Rowan

Short-shot

Simon

Shanna

Sahana

Smiggles

Solita

Small-fry

Sprinkle

Tallie

Twitch

Tonk

Tink

Taroe

Tinkerella

Tansi

Tina

Toby

Tawnie

Teagan

Tulla

Topsy

Torji

Trixie

Triza

Two-bit

Viveca

Vonove

Whitley

Wicket

Winkle

Walby

Wizzle

Yves

Zita

Ziggy

Zinna

When you’re writing fantasy, the world might be fake, but you want your characters to come across as authentically as possible. That is why you should look through these dwarf names and choose one that fits your character perfectly:

Anin

Anspori

Anvari

Ari

Aurar

Austi

Acaida

Adal

Adeela

Aidura

Ailgiel

Aindina

Aleris

Alinda

Amara

Arvia

Avaldur

Baerdal

Balskjald

Balthrasir

Baglia

Bagrna

Bamira

Bargun

Bavola

Braka

Brana

Brarynn

Brynja

Bandan

Bangrim

Bardagul

Beldrum

Bendain

Bendan

Beris

Bhalkyl

Bhalmun

Bharrom

Bhelkam

Bilbur

Bjarki

Bofar

Bragi

Bramdahr

Bramdur

Branmand

Brusy

Brynjolvur

Cadadra

Calgrima

Calur

Calund

Chalia

Calona

Calgrima

Chalona

Calgak

Cola

Dady

Dagni

Dagura

Dalvura

Danona

Darthora

Davia

Davlia

Defas

Dindila

Dirana

Dirila

Divira

Dogrila

Dolana

Dondna

Dora

Dorola

Dugrona

Dunora

Duris

Dothura

Dragrola

Dramola

Drargna

Drargura

Drathola

Digna

Digona

Dilgana

Dilura

Dilvina

Dagur

Durtria

Dain

Dalnur

Darmond

Daskjald

Djoni

Doldram

Dorvari

Draupin

Dufin

Ebdrus

Eloira

Elora

Eret

Erla

Estur

Ebgran

Edmundur

Eiki

Eilivur

Elindur

Ermrig

Filar

Finn

Fjalin

Floi

Faca

Fada

Farischa

Ferev

Fervia

Fidan

Fiden

Fjola

Frai

Floki

Fraeg

Frostar

Fulla

Fundar

Galren

Gadona

Gagrila

Gagrlia

Galina

Gargila

Gaviel

Ghervis

Gimna

Gimona

Gindana

Gindira

Githlia

Glodona

Glonina

Glovlia

Gorodra

Gortra

Galthrum

Gargrom

Garman

Geirfinnur

Geirur

Gimmyl

Gimren

Gisli

Glovari

Gormur

Graim

Graldor

Gralkyl

Gralram

Gramdahr

Grandrum

Graniggs

Grenbek

Grilmek

Gusti

Gylvia

Hagbarthur

Hallbergur

Hannskjald

Harfur

Harum

Haugin

Heptin

Hanarav

Harinda

Harvia

Hata

Hatyth

Heden

Henna

Hjolman

Hjolmor

Hlevari

Hloin

Horar

Horkahm

Hurram

Ingivald

Isakur

Ithi

Ithleviur

Jarvari

Jaspur

Jaderyn

Japith

Jenka

Jesi

Jodis

Johild

Jovina

Justa

Jatmundur

Justi

Kari

Karrak

Kartni

Kiljald

Killin

Kalady

Kasi

Kata

Kecha

Kelara

Kelardy

Kelarta

Kelashan

Kenna

Kezda

Korbeth

Kramnom

Kromgrun

Krumgrom

Krumkohm

Leiki

Leivur

Lithri

Lofar

Lonin

Leera

Legna

Lenora

Lija

Lilja

Linka

Lipith

Lirinda

Lirra

Lis

Loa

Lovisa

Lua

Lonlin

Lonvari

Lythur

Malmun

Maur

Mara

Marvia

Mavia

Meera

Memana

Micha

Mili

Mirev

Mireveh

Misi

Moira

Myagrun

Myalinden

Myanda

Myanra

Myara

Melnur

Mjothi

Modsognir

Morgus

Morram

Motar

Muiradin

Naglur

Nalskjald

Narvari

Narta

Narvia

Naryn

Narynn

Neraeryn

Neralinden

Nipthrasir

Njalur

Noi

Northrasit

Nyrath

Nyvari

Oddfinnur

Offleivur

Ovri

Ovni

Oilulvur

Obara

Omaira

Quoira

Onin

Onundur

Paitur

Patrin

Petrur

Ragnur

Ragvaldur

Regvari

Reinardun

Ragna

Ragnial

Ragriel

Ralvina

Rasicha

Rathila

Recha

Regna

Rervia

Ririden

Rishan

Runira

Rurgora

Ruvona

Ruvora

Rikkin

Robekur

Roi

Rorin

Rothbar

Servin

Sigmundur

Sigvaldur

Sjurthi

Skafith

Saeran

Samara

Sanna

Sarella

Selah

Sepith

Serdy

Sexy

Sigga

Signa

Sigvor

Sishan

Sliryn

Sola

Skirfar

Skofti

Sorkvi

Steinfinnur

Steinur

Stigur

Sudri

Suthradir

Sveinur

Svjar

Taurun

Tahan

Taleema

Tanda

Tarvia

Terinden

Terta

Tevia

Thorgiel

Thothila

Thovira

Tova

Teitur

Thekkin

Thelron

Thelryl

Thelthrun

Thorar

Thrain

Throar

Thuldohr

Thulgrun

Thurnar

Thydohr

Thymand

Thymin

Thymur

Tjalvi

Toki

Toraldur

Torrus

Tyrur

Urtha

Vigdis

Visi

Vagnur

Valbergur

Valdi

Viggar

Viggskjald

Vindalf

Virfi

Voggur

Yngvi

Yngva

Yrsa

Zala

Zatha

Zazfa

Zerin

Zerun

Zesi

Witches are clever. They are crafty. They are downright captivating. That is why you should consider using these witch names in your fiction — or even for your own bundle of joy.

Agnes

Alice

Alizon

Abraham

Alatar

Agate

Allegra

Andromeda

Ariadne

Astra

Aurelia

Alcina

Asterope

Atlantes

Angela

Bessie

Blaise

Beatrix

Belinda

Christian

Clementine

Cerys

Celeste

Cassandra

Circe

Dahlia

Evanora

Edith

Elsie

Elspeth

Eris

Edel

Eliphas

Fabian

Glinda

Gwen

Garnet

Ginevra

Gatria

Gandalf

Ganondorg

George

Gerald

Gwydion

Hazel

Holly

Hilda

Hyacinth

Hecate

Isla

Jasmine

Jadis

Joan

Laurie

Leanne

Locasta

Lucia

Lenore

Lily

Mira

Mabel

Maleficent

Margaret

Mark

Matilda

Molly

Merlin

Margery

Mary

Medea

Minerva

Moll

Morgan

Noemi

Nora

Ondine

Opal

Ophelia

Ommin

Oscar

Pallando

Poppy

Priscilla

Pleione

Prospero

Puck

Phoebe

Rita

Rowan

Radagast

Raven

Raymond

Rincewind

Salome

Selene

Selma

Serena

Sidney

Siobhan

Sophia

Stella

Sybil

Sarin

Sterope

Syrma

Saruman

Tabit

Terra

Tethys

Thabit

Tamsin

Theodora

Ursula

Verana

Vera

Vega

Willow

Winifred

Wren

Zelda

Zosia

Maybe you’re playing Dungeons & Dragons. Maybe you’re writing Game Of Thrones fan fiction. Maybe you’re creating a fantasy world of your very own. No matter what your intentions are, here are some fiery dragon names that you should steal:

Abraxas

Akhekhu

Amphiptere

Ananta

Archion

Abeloth

Ancestialian

Armorwing

Anbraxas

Ancalagon

Apalala

Apep

Apophis

Apsu

Brinsop

Blaze

Bullet

Blacksmith

Bonescraper

Crimson

Cyndaquil

Cloud

Chrysophylax

Drachenstein

Dart

Dratini

Drago

Drogon

Deadheart

Deathclaws

Eingana

Everest

Ember

Fafnir

Froststorm

Flurry

Falkor

Galeru

Glaurung

Gleep

Haku

Helios

Hyperion

Hatuibwari

Illuyankas

Jabberwock

Jormungandr

Julunggul

Kalseru

Ketu

Knucker

Ladon

Luna

Manasa

Mirage

Naga

Ness

Neptune

Nightwing

Nidhogg

Nithhogr

Norbert

Nyre

Nocturne

Narith

Norbert

Quetzalcoatl

Rahu

Riptide

Rhaegal

Scatha

Scylla

Starblaze

Snowfall

Sirrush

Smaug

Spike

Sandstorm

Sting

Smerg

Smok

Stoorworm

Tarasque

Tharion

Toothless

Tatsu

Tiamat

Typhon

Uwibami

Vasuki

Viserion

Venim

Vipor

Vermithrax

Whiro

Wyvern

Xiuhcoatl

Yam-nahar

Yofune-Nushi

Yong

Zippleback

Zu

Give your little girl (or that badass character in the screenplay you’re writing) a name that means ‘warrior’ so she grows up to become one. Here are some of the most fierce (and fabulous) female warrior names:

Aoife

Armina

Aella

Audhild

Alala

Andronika

Aife

Ailbhe

Bellona

Beadu

Beda

Borghildr

Berrma

Brunhilde

Cahira

Camilla

Cammi

Ceallach

Enyo

Eferhild

Eferhilda

Gertrude

Gerry

Gerta

Gertraud

Harimanna

Hildegunn

Hilda

Ildiko

Kerta

Kelley

Kayleigh

Lois

Liusaidh

Lace

Louella

Louise

Louisa

Loyce

Luana

Luijzika

Myrina

Marcella

Owena

Ptolema

Ragna

Romilda

Ragnild

Toril

Truda

Valda

Zelda

Aries

(March 21st to April 19th)

For an Aries, the summer solstice will be a quiet, calm day. You will feel a higher level of inner peace than you have before, and it will benefit you in several ways. The summer solstice hits your solar fourth house, so it’s a great time to work on self-improvement and stay focused on your own personal needs. Take this time to reflect on the past and make new goals for the future ahead. You have all the power you’ll ever need to make positive changes in your life. So, go for it, Aries.

Taurus

(April 20th to May 21st)

For Taurus, it’s not just the summer solstice that’s going to be eventful this year, but the entire month as well. If your birthday falls from April 20 to 23, you have exciting things on the horizon and change is certainly in the air. Your productivity levels are at an all-time high, and you’re spewing with positive vibrations.

Gemini

(May 22nd to June 21st)

Gemini will be extremely practical during the summer solstice. It will bring you luck with your finances and career goals that you’ve been working hard towards. The summer solstice will impact Gemini positively, and give you incentive to buckle down and do what will be best for you in the long run. You may disperse your energy in giant heaps rather than spreading it out, so be aware in order to prevent spreading yourself too thin.

Cancer

(June 22nd to July 22nd)

Cancer will take the stage during the summer...

The Six Basic Emotions and Expressions

Charles Darwin wrote in his 1872 book, The Expression of the Emotions in Man and Animals that “facial expressions of emotion are universal, not learned differently in each culture.” There have been arguments both in favor and against ever since.

The most notable research into the topic came from psychologist Paul Ekman, who pioneered research into emotion recognition in the 1960s. His team of researchers provided their test subjects with photos of faces showing different emotional expressions. The test subjects then had to define the emotional states they saw in each photo, based on a predetermined list of possible emotions they had seen prior.

Through these studies, Ekman found a high agreement across members of Western and Eastern cultures when it came to selecting emotional labels that corresponded with facial expressions. Expressions he found to be universal included those indicating happiness, disgust, anger, sadness, surprise and fear. Working with his long-time friend Wallace V. Friesen, Ekman found that the findings of the study correlated with Fore tribesmen in Papua New Guinea, whose members could not have learned the meaning of expressions from exposure to media. Instead, they inherently displayed the expressions without ever having been primed for them, leading Ekman and Friesen to determine that they were universal.

From this study, the six basic emotions were proposed.

1. Facial Expression/Emotion: Happy

Turning 30 is a big milestone. Turning 31, by comparison, is rather unremarkable. You’re not old. You’re not young. You’re just a person. A person a few hundred days past whatever you were before. Yet there are certain expectations at this age, the most important of which is to get over the immature idea that your birthday matters very much. You’ve done this nearly three dozen times now, the world says, let’s not make such a big deal out of it, OK?

It is funny how much the perception other people have of you changes once you get past 30. I remember talking to a movie producer who was about my age now when I was in my early twenties. He was telling me how there is this arc. When you get successful early, everyone gives you way more credit that you deserve. They marvel at what you’ve managed to do and how mature you seem. But with time, this fades. Because everyone catches up. Your friends graduate from medical school, people in front of them retire and they get promoted, they finally get serious and move out of their parents house. Eventually, the mean evens out. Then you’re just yourself again, not special or better, just you.

So there is a kind of humbling that happens as you get into your thirties and...

1. Being alone

People think the purpose of finding a partner is so that you can stop feeling so lonely, but this isn’t the right mindset if you want them to stay. It’s when you’re most independent that you’re able to really put in the effort to maintaining a successful relationship. You have to be able and willing to be alone before being in a partnership, because there will still be times that you are. Your significant other isn’t there to fill a void. They are there to add more when you’re already whole.

2. Being the one that puts in more effort

There will always be times when your partner puts more effort into you than you into them, but the opposite is true as well. There will be times when you feel they are distant and you have to put in the work to pull them close again. The point is—you both put in the effort to bring each other back into that equilibrium. You put in half the work and so do they. You can’t have them always chasing you or they’ll get tired and you’ll start seeing them fall behind.

3. Being attracted to others without acting on it

Okay, let’s be real. There will always be other people that you find attractive, intelligent, funny, charming—whatever the appeal is, we have to recognize that we can be drawn to others at times when we’re in a relationship. The point is, you have to be able to recognize that it’s just...

Why did the banana go to the doctor?

It wasn’t peeling well.

What did Shamu write on his valentine?

I whale love you forever.

Why are volcanos so nice?

They lava you.

What did the pig say to his girlfriend?

Don’t go bacon my heart.

Why do Christmas lights know the best restaurants in town?

They’re always going out.

What kind of landscape gives the best compliments?

Plateaus, they’re good at flattery.

Do chemistry majors make good boyfriends?

Periodically.

Who is a chicken’s favorite musician?

Bach.

How do dogs make sandwiches?

With purebred.

Why do Russian nesting dolls brag so much?

They’re full of themselves.

Why are fungi always invited on road trips?

They don’t take up mush room.

How should you tell someone their milk is expiring?

With a spoiler alert.

What happens when you go on a date with a root vegetable?

Your heart beets fast.

Why can’t you sell a shoe to a bear?

They prefer bear feet.

Why do frogs always work at hotels?

They make good bellhops.

What did one slice of bread say to the other at their wedding?

Let’s grow mold together.

What did the bowl of soup write on their Valentine?

I love you pho real.

What kind of shorts do clouds have on under their clothes?

Thunderwear.

What’s the scariest kind of beverage?

The tea-rex.

Why are pastries so stupid?

They donut know anything.

Why was the bee’s hair sticky?

He used a honeycomb.

What sea creatures are the best at algebra?

Octopi.

What kind of bee rises from he dead?

A Zombie.

Why don’t spiders leave the house?

They can do everything on the web.

Why did the bike fall over?

It was two tired.

What sound does a chicken’s phone make?

Wing wing.

What did one fish text to...
Aries (March 21-April 19)

Your naiveté.

For being as strong-willed and heavy headed as they are, Aries have a natural innocence and childlike wonder about them. It’s part of their charm, and it’s their perpetual curiosity that makes them avid thinkers and learners. It’s also what their partners tend to love the most about them: that they are so endlessly interested in things, and that they can at once be so unbelievably intelligent and yet so aloof at times, too.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Your contradictions.

A Taurus is a walking anomaly. They are eager to impress people, but even more so desire their friendship and affection. They say they like to be by themselves, but thrive in the company of the people they love most. They try to be content with life as it is, but can’t help but keep dreaming about how they can make things better. You never really know what to expect with a Taurus, and for those close to them, that little bit of unexpectedness loosens up their image of being “perfect,” and makes them all the more lovable.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Your over-eagerness.

Geminis may oscillate between their two “selves,” (or, more commonly, the different aspects of their personalities that they want the world to see). But one thing that really characterizes Geminis no matter what they’re doing is their eagerness to help, and to show up for the people they love. Geminis are always looking for ways to make life better for everyone around them, even if it means...

Why are watermelons the saddest fruit?

They get melancholy.

Why won’t anyone sit next to a watermelon?

They have a strange smelon.

Do you know what you call the outside of a watermleon?

Rind of.

Why are watermelons such good entrepreneurs?

They always have seed money.

Why do watermelons write such good tell-alls?

They have all the juice.

Why do watermelons take such a long time to make decisions?

They’re always melon it over.

Why did the watermelon go crazy?

He lost his rind.

Why shouldn’t you go into business with a watermelon?

They’re seedy.

Did you hear about the fruit who was convicted of armed robbery?

Now he’s a waterfelon.

Did you hear about the guy who smashed all those fruits?

It was a slaughter melon.

Why did one melon break up with the other melon?

He didn’t know water problem was.

Did you hear about the watermelon who starred in a telanovella?

It was melondramatic.

What was the watermelon’s naughty pick-up line?

Want to see my melons?

What did the fruit write on his Valentine’s card?

You’re one in a melon!

You know what they say about when life gives you melons?

You might be dyslexic.


Add your favorite watermelon pun in the comments!

What do hackers do on a boat?

Phishing.

Why was the IT guy in the hospital?

He touched the firewall.

Why do app developer’s have such high insurance rates?

They’re always crashing.

What is it called when an IT person gets surgery on their fingers?

Tech knuckle support.

Why do computers make such bad boxers?

Their bark is worse than their byte.

Did you hear about the woman whose daughter adopted a baby?

Instagram.

How does a computer get drunk?

It takes screenshots.

Do you know the band 1023 megabytes?

They haven’t had a gig yet.

Who is a computer’s favorite singer?

A Dell.

What’s the best way to learn about computers?

Bit by bit.

What is a computer’s favorite animal?

A RAM.

Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road?

To get to the other slide.

Why do people on Twitter tell me I’m always confused?

Because I don’t follow.

Why is everyone who works at the keyboard factory so rich?

They put in a lot of shifts.

Why doesn’t a computer’s car last very long?

They always have hard drives.

Why did the computer spy get fired?

She couldn’t hack it.

What did the eyewitness tell the cops after a computer robbed a bank?

It went data way!

Why are people afraid of computers?

They byte.

Where do naughty disk drives get sent?

Boot camp.

Why are spiders so good at the internet?

They know all the good web sites.

Why do programmers never run the AC?

They prefer to open windows.

What do computers do on a beach vacation?

Surf the net.

Why did the man get so sad his computer had a virus?

It was a terminal illness.

Why can’t an IT guy keep a girlfriend?

He turns them all off and...

What building has the most stories?

The library.

Why is Sir Mix-A-Lot so smart?

He likes big books and he cannot lie.

Why are books so annoying to be around?

They don’t have any shelf awareness.

Why don’t readers have any extra time?

They’re booked.

How do you get a dog to stop eating your books?

Take the words right out of his mouth.

Did you hear about the guy who bought so many books he was eventually crushed underneath them?

He can only blame his shelf.

Did you hear about the book who fell in love with another book?

It was bound to happen.

What kind of orange juice do fiction writers like?

Pulpy.

What do you call a beautiful woman with an overdue library book?

Fine.

What kind of book dates back to the Jurassic period?

A Thesaurus.

Why do people get jealous when they date a library book?

Someone else is always checking them out.

Did you hear about the top secret library project?

It’s all very hush hush.

Why do witches make the best editors?

They know how to run spell check.

What is the spookiest kind of author?

A ghostwriter.

Why don’t library carts follow the rules?

It’s not how they roll.

What is an alcoholic’s favorite book?

Tequila mockingbird.

Did you read the book about Mt. Everest?

It was a cliff-hanger.

Why do people get asthma if they haven’t read Charlotte Brontë?

It’s hard to breathe with no Eyre.

Did you hear about the guy who said Lord of the Rings wasn’t a good fantasy book?

He didn’t know what he was Tolkein about.

Why don’t they let accountants into the library?

They’re bookkeepers.

Why was the book so good...
Aries (March 21st to April 19th)

You care too damn much.

Taurus (April 20th to May 21st)

You’re too forgiving.

Gemini (May 22nd to June 21st)

You can always find a reason to like someone.

Cancer (June 22nd to July 22nd)

You’re can’t forget the way you once connected.

Leo (July 23rd to August 22nd)

You’re overconfident that thing can still work out.

Virgo (August 23rd to September 22nd)

You don’t want to have any regrets in life.

Libra (September 23rd to October 22nd)

You wish you’d done things differently.

Scorpio (October 23rd to November 22nd)

You wonder if you expected too much.

Sagittarius (November 23rd to December 21st)

You want to make them understand.

Capricorn (December 22nd to January 20th)

You think there’s still a chance.

Aquarius (January 21st to February 18th)

You just can’t forget all the good times.

Pisces (February 19th to March 20th)

You’re overwhelmed by all the fond memories.

1. What do you call a monkey that wins the World Series?

A chimpion.

2. What do you call a baby monkey?

A chimp off the old block

3. Where do monkeys go to grab a beer?

The monkey bars!

4. What kind of key opens a banana?

A mon-key!

5. What do you call a monkey in a minefield?

A Ba-boom!

6. Why don’t monkeys play cards in the jungle?

There are too many cheetahs around.

7. Did you hear about that dumb party in the jungle?

Someone forgot to bring the chimps and dip.

8. What did the monkey say when someone cut off its tail?

It won’t be long now.

9. Why do monkeys love bananas?

Because they have appeal.

10. What does a banana do when it sees a monkey?

The banana splits.

11. Why shouldn’t you fight with a monkey?

They use gorilla warfare.

12. Where do chimps hear all their gossip?

The ape vine.