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2018-01-22T06:16:47.487Z
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FOXBOROUGH, MA—Assuring that the team knew exactly what it would take to win, fired-up Patriots players told reporters Sunday they were ready to give a full 60, maybe 70 percent against Jacksonville. “We are pumped for this showdown, and the Jags are going to see two-thirds, maybe three-fourths of our best—if the game…

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BOSTON—Stressing the importance of looking on the bright side despite how things might seem right now, a tiny, pathetic voice reportedly squeaked, “At least the days are getting longer,” Friday before being drowned out by the litany of worries and fears continually roaring within your mind. “Hey, there’s still some…

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Partially owing to a recent massive tax break, tech giant Apple will return billions of dollars from tax havens to the United States and create an estimated 20,000 new jobs while investing $30 billion in the U.S. economy. What do you think?

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DURHAM, NH—A new study released Friday by researchers at the University of New Hampshire’s Aquatic Institute revealed that lobsters are capable of feeling pain, and, what’s more, get off it on like the sick little fucking perverts they are. “Our experiments confirmed that lobsters are most likely able to experience…

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MONTCLAIR, NJ—Noting the incident had to be seriously messed up to make the regular drinker stop all of a sudden, friends of local man Tom Barrack reported Friday that he must have really fucked shit up over the holidays if he’s doing a sober January. “Tom puts booze away like nobody else, so something really fucking…

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M Cantina, a restaurant in Dearborn, Michigan, is reportedly selling upscale tacos featuring foie gras, grasshoppers, and shaved black truffle and for $60, with a required 3 taco order that brings a single meal to a minimum of $180. What do you think?

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PHOENIX—Saying this time of year always dredges up memories of that fateful night, local man Alan Dahlgren admitted Wednesday he becomes emotional on the anniversary of his father’s passing, a death he personally orchestrated.

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By studying a range of individuals with persistent cabbage-scented breath, scientists have isolated a gene called SELENBP1 that generates sulphur-containing molecules and results in bad breath. What do you think?

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NEW YORK—Alleging she was deeply concerned about the destructive effect the revelation could have on her reputation, a new report released Tuesday suggests that adult film star Stormy Daniels may have paid over $130,000 to cover up a sexual encounter with Donald Trump. “Newly uncovered legal documents seem to indicate…

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WASHINGTON—Chastising the assembled reporters for failing to cover the story, press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders repeatedly insisted Wednesday that President Trump’s footprints created the Great Lakes. “In its relentless effort to undermine this administration, the media has completely ignored the fact that Lake…

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