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2018-04-23T21:19:45.619Z
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SPOILER ALERT: And the new royal baby looks like… wait for it… wait for it… a baby. Although, the newborn prince looks more peaceful to me than a regular baby, and that’s probably because I know that he’ll never experience the stress that is looking at a credit card bill when the minimum amount due is $39.50 and he’s got $12 in his bank account.

As she’s done with all her newborn babies, Duchess Kate pulled her just-given-birth body out of her hospital bed, slipped her swole hooves into Easy Spirit heels, collected her new son from her lady-in-waiting, and strolled on out of the Lindo Wing at St. George’s Hospital in London to introduce Baby Prince Willow Harry (that better be his name) to the people before going back to Kensington Palace. Many have said that Duchess Kate’s red Jenny Packham dress is her way of paying tribute to Princess Diana since Diana wore a white collared red ensemble while leaving the hospital after giving birth to Prince Hot Ginge. But I don’t see that at all. I see Duchess Kate trying to show the commoners that she’s just like them by dressing like Annie. Duchess Kate’s son may have come out today, but in that dress she’s giving me The Sun’ll Come Out...

Because late-2017 was the moment Hollywood finally turned on the basement light and acknowledged all the creeps lurking in the shadows, 2018’s awards season was all about the #MeToo and Time’s Up movements. The Golden Globes had an all-black dress code and pins, and several high-profile actresses chose to bring Time’s Up activists as their dates. At the Oscars, Ashley Judd, Salma Hayek, and Annabella Sciorra presented an award together. It was all very pro-woman. Except according to Thandie Newton’s recent comments about it, it sounds like there might have been a maximum capacity limit to the girl power parade.

A few years ago, Thandie told a gross story about an audition that happened when she first started acting as a teen. A director asked her to return for a second audition, during which he allegedly asked her to sit with her legs apart while he positioned a video camera at her skirt, and asked her to touch her breasts and perform her dialogue as though she was thinking of someone she just had sex with. Three years later, Thandie was approached by a producer at Cannes who creepily told her he’d “seen her recently.” According to Thandie, she later discovered that the director had been playing the video for his friends after poker games...

Just try to ignore that tragic poster, which looks like a no-budget travel ad done by an intern on MS Paint using the cheapest clip art they could find (see: that random peacock and Liberace’s anal beads aka those rhinestone disco balls).

When I was laid up in my bed with a jacked-up retina for weeks, my ears swallowed up many audio books including the entire Crazy Rich Asians series. I swallowed those books up like they were an 8″ peen, because as someone who thinks Jackie Collins is the greatest thing to happen to words, the Crazy Rich Asians series has everything I want: opulence, intrigue, glamour, bitchery, and a plot easy enough for my simple brain to follow. So I’ve been waiting and waiting for a trailer for the film version, which is Hollywood’s first all-Asian cast movie since The Joy Luck Club. A teaser trailer was released a few days ago, and it got me nervous, thinking that those cheap bitches in Hollywood turned it into On-A-Budget Asians by making it look like a Lifetime movie. But the full trailer is out and it is ˈä-pyə-lənt. Well, most of it is anyway.

The basic plot of the first Crazy Rich Asians book is that an American-born Chinese professor named Rachel (played by Constance Wu, and the role would’ve been played by someone like Kristen Bell...

There probably won’t be a season 5 of BBC’s Sherlock because Martin Freeman is a little bitch. Or, Martin doesn’t want to fuck with the show anymore because of the high expectations from rabid Sherlock fans. And you can probably add Benedict Cumberbatch to the list of people who think Martin needs a nappy change. Benedict doesn’t agree with Martin and thinks the fans are A-OK.

In an interview with The Telegraph (via Vulture), Martin said that negative fan reception of season 4 was disheartening, and cited it as one of the reasons he doesn’t think season 5 needs to be a thing. He also says insatiable fans suffering from the Sherlock Shakes are responsible for harshing his vibe:

“Being in that show, it is a mini-Beatles thing,” says Freeman. “People’s expectations, some of it’s not fun anymore. It’s not a thing to be enjoyed, it’s a thing of: ‘You better fucking do this, otherwise you’re a cunt.’ That’s not fun anymore.”

However, Benedict of Cumbertatcherlon disagrees. Benedict’s ruling is that Martin is being pathetic.

“It’s pretty pathetic if that’s all it takes to let you not want to take grip of your reality. What, because of expectations?”

But because he is the benevolent ruler of the Cumberbitches, he kept it classy, softening the blow by adding:

I don’t know. I don’t necessarily agree with that.”

And as we know, there’s already been some

I knew last week when Kanye West decided to pop up for Spring like Punxsutawney Phil it was just the beginning of his 2018 KooKoo Tour. After returning from a brief Twitter break Kanye has been tantalizing his fans with a new series of tweets. But one tweet has many of his fans rolling their eyes and throwing up their hands saying “Damn Yeezy…”

On Saturday, Kanye decided it was time to infuriate his fans when he, completely out of nowhere, gave black conservative commenter Candace Owens a quick shout out.

Perhaps this tweet is going to become part of a section of his new philosophy book called What The Entire Fuck? Because Candace Owens is known primarily for her right-leaning stance on political issues as well as her views against the Black Lives Matter movement, referring to the protesters as “whiny”.

I’m mad Kanye would choose to come out of hiding just to throw himself into the mix with Lil’ Omarosa. But then again, Kanye met up with Trump to discuss “multicultural issuesback in 2016. Well, Candace was giddy with delight over the one and only Yeezus blessing her name in a tweet.

Last Thursday, Shania Twain appeared as a guest judge on RuPaul’s Drag Race. An entirely appropriate choice, considering you’d be hard pressed to find a queen who hasn’t turned it out to Man! I Feel Like a Woman. But then just three days later, the same people that were hollering “Werk, Timmins!” were suddenly asking her to sashay away. Shania revealed in an interview with The Guardian published yesterday that had she been able to vote in the 2016 U.S. Presidential election, she would have voted for Donald Trump. Obviously that didn’t sit well with fans, and now she’s walking back what she said.

The Guardian pointed out that Shania is a conservative, so her feelings on Trump probably shouldn’t come as that much of a surprise. Shania is a Canadian living in Corseaux, Switzerland, so she couldn’t vote. But if she could, she would have chosen Trump, because he seemed honest. Someone really needs to inform Shania that the guy who covered up an affair with hush money clearly isn’t a fan of truth.

“I would have voted for him because, even though he was offensive, he seemed honest. Do you want straight or polite? Not that you shouldn’t be able to have both. If I were voting, I just don’t want bullshit. I would have voted for a feeling that it was transparent. And politics has...

Whenever I feel every kind of pathetic while cuddling and whispering sweet nothings into my DIY Prince Hot Ginge Real Doll (read: a white body pillow covered with orange Sharpie-made freckles, the scent of vodka, and topped with an orange yarn mop and bottomed with a carrot dildo), I’m going to think of the way-too-grown-for-this-shit men who once again (I think they did this with Princess Charlotte and Prince George) stood outside of the Lindo Wing with nightmare-inducing royal baby dolls for 15 days while waiting for Duchess Kate to give birth. Okay, no, I’m still more pathetic than them.

While some of us were dead asleep, the rest of the world had their eyes glued to the Lindo Wing door waiting for Duchess Kate (known as the Welfare Queen to Morrissey types) to give birth to the fifth in line to the throne (known as the latest little drooling benefits scrounger to Morrissey types). The media and people who don’t have to do something call “work” on a Monday morning gathered outside of St. Mary’s Hospital today when it was reported that Duchess Kate checked into the hospital before 6am London time after she got the birthin’ seizures in her royal vagine (I definitely know how the act of labor works). A few hours later, Kensington Palace announced that the child who will get to hold...

China’s jaywalking squirt machine!

China hates jaywalking more than Kanye West hates humbleness and reasonable thoughts. They have gone to great lengths to take down those diabolical demons who dare walk across the street when the lights tell them not to move one damn toe. Police have punished jaywalkers by making them shame themselves on social media, and authorities put together a PSA starring a  troupe of dancing memaws doing the “Waiting For Red Lights” dance. Surprisingly, a troupe of memaws doing the “don’t jaywalk” shuffle didn’t hypnotize the people of China to stop jaywalking. So the government has taken shit further.

China Daily says that at a crosswalk in Daye, a city in the province of Hubei, police have set up yellow machines that spray water vapor at jaywalking bitches. Possible jaywalkers are warned before getting sprayed. A robot voice tells them that the light is red and if they walk anyway, they will get a vapor bath. The security bureau for Daye had this to say about the little yellow pillars that are so disgusted with jaywalkers that they spit at them and take their picture!

“The machine has two systems with different functions. One is facial recognition; the other provides reminders and warnings. It photographs people crossing against red lights and uploads the images to the police database to determine their identities. Meanwhile, a...

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I’m going to have to go out and get another job doing manual labor out in the NOPE fields in order to harvest enough of them to accurately convey my reaction to the tarantula burger made by Bull City Burger in Durham, North Carolina. In fact, I predict it might ignite a global NOPE shortage the scale of which we have not seen since September. Here’s a hot commodities tip, sell pork bellies and frozen concentrated orange juice, buy NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPES.

According to USA Today, Bull City Burger has added the tarantula burger as part of its annual “exotic meat month” which is held every April. In addition to the aforementioned NOPE burger, they have also served “iguana, camel, alligator, and various insects”. They even have an exotic turkey burger for sale this month, which tells you all you need to know about the adventurous eating habits of North Carolinians.

I’m really struggling with where to embed this burger picture for you. I know you need to see it, but I also fear you’ll blame me for ruining your life. I should have done it already, right after the jump but that seemed cruel. Do you want it now? Maybe I can tell you a little bit more about the burger first. Picture it in your mind for a bit and then when you see the real thing, it won’t...

Being a part of the world’s biggest movie franchise can cause one to become irritable with the lessers. An example of this comes to us from Collider reporter Stephen Weintraub on Twitter. Most of you own a TV in addition to basic cable so you know that Avengers: Infinity War comes out on Friday because the ad runs 500 damn times a day and it’s made even THIS hardcore comic book geek sick of their cinematic universe. Apparently one of the cast members is feeling that way, too. Stephen interviewed some of the cast members and left wishing that one of them would eat something featuring romaine lettuce in a Yuma, Arizona-located restaurant.

Stephen tweeted that one of the actors was an “complete fucking asshole” to him. (And he told Twitter followers that it wasn’t occasionally messy Josh Brolin who is playing bad guy Thanos in the movie.)

He was so insulted that his anger required multiple tweets. Apparently, this...

Chris Pratt and Anna Faris seemed like the goofy, frivolity-filled, pet-abandoning couple that you could go have beers with until they weren’t anymore. They announced their separation last August and ultimate frat brah Chris filed for divorce in December. Chris recently got very deep and told Entertainment Weekly that “divorce sucks.Us Weekly reports that his ex Anna agrees with Chris’ astute take on the emotional complexities of ending your marriage. She said so in a SiriusXM Hits 1 radio interview on Thursday.

Chris, 38, did elaborate on divorce sucking in his EW interview, so it’s possible I’m just a catty bitch. I am, but still.

“Divorce sucks,” says Pratt. “But at the end of the day, we’ve got a great kid who’s got two parents who love him very much. And we’re finding a way to navigate this while still remaining friends and still being kind to one another. It’s not ideal, but yeah, I think both of us are actually probably doing better.”

Anna, 41, “completely” agrees.

“We have a great relationship, we really do and we always have. It’s always tough to envision your futures as one thing but I think there’s a lot of love.”

She went on to say that they learned too late that sharing your marriage with your everyone all the time isn’t conducive to, you know,...

On April 9, alleged sex cult leader R. Kelly had a criminal complaint filed against him by a 19-year-old woman accusing him of “knowingly and intentionally” giving her an STD. Her lawyer also accused Kelly of trying to groom his client to become a member of the reported “sex cult” he was accused of Manson-ing young women into back in July. All of this alleged creepy behavior seems to have finally had an effect on Kelly’s support staff. Since February, he’s out a lawyer, a publicist, and his longtime personal assistant. What took them so long? Even if their benefits package included dental, it’s still not worth your boss possibly asking you what size dog collar a 14-year-old girl might wear. *terrified scream*

According to Rolling Stone, Kelly’s publicist Trevian Kutti confirmed that she quit that bitch on April 16. His personal assistant of ten years, Diana Copeland, quit on April 1. She won’t say why she left his employ. It might have had something to do with her weekly shopping list probably listing items like “manacles,” “pee pads for the dungeon,” and “chloroform.” And his lawyer Linda Mensch gave her two weeks notice back in February, but told the BBC that her exit was “unrelated to Mr Kelly’s social life.

For several years now, the criminal charges and accusations of...

Max, the Lassie of Queensland, Australia!

My dog is almost 16 years old, he’s a little deaf and a little blind, he can’t hold his piss anymore, and he’s grouchier than a grandpa who’s just been told that the IHOP he’s having dinner at doesn’t give senior discounts. But even when he was a youngin’, the only thing he’d consider staying with throughout the night in the woods is a piece of bacon (and even then, he’d keep the bacon safe and warm in his stomach before skedaddling out of there). But not Max!

ABC Brisbane says that Max stayed all night in the woods with a three-year-old girl who went missing. On Friday afternoon, the little girl was reported missing after she wandered away from her grandma’s house outside of Warwick in the Southern Downs area. The family, volunteers and the authorities spent Friday night searching the woods and hills around the property, but they couldn’t find her. They started up the search again on Saturday, and that’s when a family member heard the girl’s cries and saw the family dog Max.

Max came up to them and led them to the little girl. MAX SAVED HER LIFE! Max is 17 years old, can’t hear shit, and only can see half of shit, but stayed with the girl all night in the rain. SES area controller Ian Phipps said that the girl had...

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This is truly revolting, but I bet some truly perverted pervster out there is slightly titillated. The Graham Norton Show seems to be the choice for celebrities who want to relate their most disgusting stories. For example, remember the Friends episode where Rachel made trifle and the pages of her cookbook got stuck together and she made it with the ingredients of shepherd’s pie? (Jeez, how did that show remain on the air for so long?) Well, Matt LeBlanc (aka Joey) somehow ended up eating the trifle that David Schwimmer regurgitated?

“There was too much on his plate. So he starts to eat it all and he starts laughing, and we cut,” LeBlanc recounted. “We’re cutting, and he spits it back on his plate. I’m sitting right next to him, and I’m looking the other way. I didn’t see him spit it back on his plate.”

So LeBlanc ended up eating it in the next scene they shot. You can get the full story below. You don’t have to, though. No one’s forcing you.

Pic: YouTube

Judging by this week, it seems like 2018 is turning into a horrible reboot of 2016, the year that took every celebrity. First R. Lee Ermey checked into the afterworld, then Harry Anderson followed him, then Barbara Bush, then Avicii, and now Verne Troyer.

The awful news was delivered on Verne Troyer’s Facebook page. The note says that Verne died today. He was only 49.

Verne was in a bad way recently. He battled alcoholism for many years, but last week he was reportedly taken to the hospital with alcohol poisoning. It was reported that Verne was suicidal, so he was placed on a 72-hour psychiatric hold at the hospital. The statement doesn’t mention how Verne died, but does mention the struggles he’s been going through lately.

Verne was an extremely caring individual. He wanted to make everyone smile, be happy, and laugh. Anybody in need, he would help to any extent possible. Verne hoped he made a positive change with the platform he had and worked towards spreading that message everyday.

He inspired people around the world with his drive, determination, and attitude. On film & television sets, commercial shoots, at comic-con’s & personal appearances, to his own YouTube videos, he was there to show everyone what he was capable of doing. Even though his stature was...

Anti-deceit activist Kanye West is more than just the modern day reincarnation of Søren Kierkegaard. He’s also a genius fashion designer. Have you ever been out on the streets and been intrigued by a man or woman in a neutral-toned leotard that Luke Skywaker’s Aunt Beru would have worn to Hot Figure 4? Kanye did that! And he also does shoes!

Yeezy premiered some of his new shoe collection on Twtter. They’re ugly like you see in the White House. I’ve supplied what I assume to be the names of these radical kicks. Witness:

Length of Intestine

This wasn’t a known quality? Anything green and supposedly “healthy” will kill you eventually. Good nutrition is a myth. The evidence? I’ve been eating Lil Debbie snack cakes on the regular since I was but a slip of a girl and I’m still breathing. Barely, but still – breathing.

According to The Washington Post, public health officials are warning everybody to avoid “any types” of romaine lettuce because it may carry the reason some of us stopped eating at Chipotle for a long time: E. coli bacteria.

On Friday, the Center for Disease Control reported that romaine lettuce out of southwest Arizona is responsible for cases of E. coli in 16 states with the hardest hit being Pennsylvania and Idaho. At least 60 people got sick, including eight inmates in an Alaskan prison.

Originally, the CDC was warning against eating chopped romaine. They have now expanded their list of deathful greenery to include “any type of romaine lettuce, including whole heads and hearts of romaine.” And they ain’t playin’ with this warning. 31 people have been hospitalized, and five of them have developed a type of kidney failure called hemolytic uremic syndrome. Luckily there haven’t been any fatalities

They’re not sure of the exact source of the outbreak, but they’ve narrowed it down to the city of Yuma, Arizona. And they’re urging Americans who have store-bought romaine in their crisper (including...

Taylor Swift’s latest stalker made like Goldilocks at her NYC brownstone on Friday. TMZ reports that Roger Alvarado broke into her house, took a shower, and then napped! In this crazy criminal’s defense, she probably has an artificially intelligent shower with multiple heads that does your masturbating for you and a mind-blowingly cushy bed because the mattress is stuffed with puppy dreams and unicorn kisses. 

Alavardo reportedly broke into “The House That Katy Perry Built” by using a ladder to climb up to a window, and shattering it “with his hand.” You know it’s code red when the stalker isn’t afraid of pain.

Luckily, Taylor wasn’t home.

A witness spotted Alvarado breaking in and called cops. He was arrested inside the home and charged with stalking, burglary and criminal mischief.

Taylor bought the brownstone only a few months ago and doesn’t reside there yet.

She’s got a whole pack of crazies bugging her lately. Earlier this month, a romantic type knocked over a bank for her. Another dude recently got probation despite threatening to off her family. This is the part of fame where you actually start to pity the celebs.

But how about that crack security team? You would assume that Taylor would have the very best that money could buy, right? This is a woman who stared down Apple and