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2018-04-26T07:49:14.894Z
0
{"feed":"Clients-From-Hell","feedTitle":"Clients From Hell","feedLink":"/feed/Clients-From-Hell","catTitle":"Fun","catLink":"/cat/fun"}


A client gives spiritual advice, while John Hodgman and Justin Long remain locked in an eternal battle for our very souls. 

A client wanted a way for potential customers to contact them directly with specific info, rather than going through the normal (generic) sales inquiry system.  

Me: I created an online contact form for your potential customers to fill out. When they click “Learn More” on the product page, they’ll be taken to the form. It has specific questions about their needs and time frames so you can tailor your sales pitch accordingly. You’ll just need to login to this website to get the info.   

Client: Nah, I don’t want to do all that.   

Me: Do all what? Log in to a site?   

Client: Yeah. Just have the potential buyers fill out the generic sales form, then you contact the Sales team to alert them, and have the Sales team filter out all the product-specific ones that should be directed to us, then they can forward those emails to us and we’ll sift through them.   

Me: …So rather than have qualified clients delivered to you automatically, you want to pay the sales team to do all that sorting manually?

Client: Yeah, this will be simpler.

Me: ….

This is a part of an UpWork project I stumbled upon:

Client:

*****************************************
PLEASE READ BEFORE APPLYING
*****************************************
[Legitimate requirements]

We do not like whiners. Review the codes and deal with it.

Client: My webpage isn’t loading.

Me: Is it just YOUR webpage that isn’t loading, or ALL pages on your browser?

Client: Yes.

My client wanted me to prepare a content plan based on four presentations about their new campaign strategy.

They sent me the presentations – they were very confusing. Parts contradicted each other, and at no point did they explain the purpose, nor the message, of the campaign.

Me: Hey, I’m going over these presentations and they’re not very clear. Can I get some more details from you directly?

Client: Everything you need to know is in those presentations.

Working with what I had, I created several proposals. Each one was rejected WITHOUT COMMENT. At this point, I gave up.

Me: Look, I’m sorry but I’m really in the weeds here. Can you give me some specific examples of the message you want to send? I’m confused about the whole campaign.

Their response was pure gold:

Client: Well, we’re pretty confused here too. We’re not sure what our campaign should say either.

I made some flyers for a client as a rush-job. Apparently, his previous designer was not keen to work with him anymore. Gee, I wonder why.

Me: Do you want me to put together a new design for your flyers?

Client: No, just copy the style from previous years.

Me: Are you sure? These are pretty basic. I could whip up something really attractive quickly.

Client: I insist.

The previous flyers looked like they’d been done in Word… but a job’s a job. I did what he asked with a quick turnaround.

Client: Thanks for the flyers, they look great. I’ve sent them to the printer

Me: Glad you like them. They were low-res proofs though, I’ll send you through the print-ready version for your printer. 

Client: No don’t do that, the version you sent will be fine.

Me: Uh… the printer definitely needs a print-ready copy. I can send it, it’s no trouble.

Client: I’ve been working with these printers for years, they’ll let me know if it’s not fine.

Me: I know I saved it low-res. I can assure you now it’s not good enough to print. It won’t take me long to send it to you, how about I send it just in case? I know this is a rush job and you need it printed tomorrow, but I won’t be available to do it tomorrow.

Client: (getting annoyed) I’ve been working with these printers for years, I know if it looks fine on my screen it will be fine to print. I have other work for you to do so don’t worry about...

Client: I want to return this product. I ordered a deodorant with aluminium salt. Instead, you sent me a deodorant with aluminium salt.

Me: Of course you have the right to return our products without stating reasons. However, to avoid any possible misunderstandings could you please specify the problem with this order?

Client: I don’t get what was so hard to understand about my complaint?

“I think it’s almost ready to sign off on. Just one more thing…”

- My client, every day, for the past 2 weeks.

Client: So 100 for what? For every year? 

Me: Yeah, you get hosting and domain for $100 a year. 

Client: Hosting Google and everything?

Me: …You get hosting and domain management for $100 a year. Not search engine optimization. .We do however submit your site to Google.

Client: Hosting Google and everything?

Me: What do you mean by “hosting Google and everything”?

Client: Don’t know.

Me: ….

This week’s deal is an enormous package of fonts, graphics and logos.

> There’s way too much to describe here. Just have a look.

There’s really so much in this bundle that I love. 123 fonts that are completely varied and useful, some really handsome logo templates, and some great graphics. The fonts are great: “Take Easy” is a great dry brush font that looks fun and casual, “Retrology” is amazing, and “Rose Colored” has an easy elegance. Seriously, take a look and you’ll see something you like

For a limited time, you can get everything in this bundle for $15, or 99% off the full price of $1850. Let that sink in for a second; that’s a whole lot of useful stuff for $15.

> Check out the deal here!

“I would like to change our business cards. What we have now is so generic.”

-

Client who runs a marketing company. I designed the original cards for him only a year ago. 

(He loved them at the time).

About a year after I finished high school a friend of mine contacted me asking to create some posters, business cards and brochures for her debut solo comedy show. She’d been in the circuit all throughout school and she was always OK for money so I was kind of hoping that after I’d finished the work for her she’d pay me something as thanks. I was young and inexperienced so I figured anyway that if she didn’t the exposure would help me out.

Fast forward to her show a few months later. I had completed the work with a simple ‘thank you’ in response which kind of ticked me off but whatever, I didn’t ask for money so I couldn’t really complain. 

I buy my own ticket to her show so I can see my work, and sure enough it’s pasted all over the city, it’s on a billboard with a bunch of other young comedians show posters. It is everywhere. She sees me at her show but doesn’t talk to me and declines my text asking if she’d like to go have dinner later.

The poster goes on to win the comedy festival award for best show poster design. I get tagged in the post on Facebook and that is it.

About a year later I receive some Facebook messages.

Client: Hey! I’m producing some shows later this year for [Redacted, but some of the biggest comedians in the country] and I’m sorting out the posters. Since you did mine I’d like you to work on...

I take promotional photos in Britain. I was asked to take photos of a party at a bar.

My client was unhappy with them. 

I found out via these texts:

Client: What’s appenin lad, only just seen ye messied call been meaning to message ye but av been up the wall. The lads aren’t happy aba them photos at all yano. We only hired a photographer in to get picture of birds, & the rest on there aren’t great at all only 42 as well

Me: I’m sorry, what’s the problem with them? Are there not enough? Is the quality not high enough? Is there something I can do with the editing?

Client: Asked yo to focus on birds I know you wer sayin us was askin but if you approach them properly they will comply. TBH looks like a shite party pictures of scatty kids n that it was wall to wall with birdsss which is what we got you in for, we can’t even use them photos

I am working in an ad agency and we occasionally have to produce artwork for print for events. Usually, the major artwork and POSM designs are done from another company and we just apply the artwork to our designs.

For this client, we’ve gone through a tedious back-and-forth process and have finally come to the final printing stage. After seeing the print sample, this is our client’s feedback.

Client: I like the sample with -10 (black) but can you add more green to the leaf on our logo.

Me: You know you’re not supposed to change the company's logo right?

Client: I know. So don’t change the logo but add more green to it.

Me: ….

Client: It looks like there is some scripting in place that makes all images black and white…

By “all images”, they mean just one image. That they uploaded. In greyscale.

It even had “greyscale” in the filename.

YouTube user Alberta Malachi Nailed this one with this comment: 

“One chain to rule them all. One chain to bind them.

One chain to bring them all and in the logo, find them.”

A friend once asked me to design a logo for him, for free. He gave me a deadline and I agreed – what are friends for? I was very busy at the time but turned it around in a tight weekend.

Client: Uh… that’s not how I wanted it

Me: What do you not like? Can I fix it?

Client: Never mind. It doesn’t matter now.

Later a common friend told me that he turned the logo in for a school project and got an A. He never even thanked me for it.

We aren’t friends anymore.

I used to design work for a print shop. We had a new client getting a banner for her start-up business that was super chipper and clear about most things she wanted. No terrible hiccups until she got the final product.

Client: Our name is misspelled.

Me: It’s the same as in all the emails you sent me and in your email signature?

Client: I just never thought to mention it! I assumed you would know before the final printout!

She asked for a refund from my manager. She didn’t get one.

The banner is still hanging.

I had just graduated from college and I was looking for my first freelance job. Someone from my school was kind enough to introduce me to a local business owner.

Client: I need this done yesterday, I need a new logo and a business card and I need it quick! I’m only gonna pay you $100 since you’re fresh out of school and I was told you’d get me a deal.

I was annoyed but I needed money. I agreed.

Client: 95% of my company produces gas tanks for big rig trucks, and 5% of it is me selling vintage guitars. So I want my logo to be a guitar. And on my business card, I’m going to give you my work number, but I don’t ever answer it. Instead, I’m going to give you my cell phone number, but I want it to be secretly hidden in the card so only special people will know what it really is.

Terrible ideas, sure, but he wasn’t paying me enough to fight him. I banged out a guitar logo and sent him a screenshot to see if he liked it (without giving him a copy he could steal).

Two weeks later I got a voicemail:

Client: Hey this is the guy you’re building the logo for. I received our email and the logo is looking really good. But you didn’t give me your email so I can’t get back to you. I’m not really sure how this whole “paying you” thing is going to...

“I have copy and pasted a photo below. Please save it as a jpg and email it back so I can print it.”